Creating a Life I Don't Want to Escape From

When I was in the corporate world, I lived for the weekends. I couldn't wait until the clock slowly ticked its way towards 5 PM, and although that meant I'd have to deal with ridiculous San Antonio traffic, or crowded BART trains (when I lived in the Bay Area) on my commute home, I didn't care because it meant I was done with work. I wanted to escape from that life.

The pandemic has wreaked a lot of havoc on our lives: fear and anxiety about contracting the virus, people at odds with each other about mask mandates and vaccines, incredible and devastating loss of friends and loved ones. But for me, if I'm able to put all that aside, it's created a life that I don't want to escape from.

The space that the pandemic has provided for me has allowed me time to grieve my mother, to practice self care, to learn yoga therapy and work towards my certification. Before the pandemic, I feel that a lot of my time was spent making other people happy and other people's dreams come true. The pandemic has allowed me to focus softly and sweetly on myself.

Obviously, I don't want the pandemic to rage on forever. A lot of restrictions have been lifted, and I've had the opportunity to work with some yoga clients in person (albeit in a safe and well-ventilated environment). I've begun to volunteer at a local end-of-life home called Abode: Contemplative Care for the Dying -- providing bedside yoga therapy for guests, family members, staff, and volunteers. I'm able to see and hug my dad, sister, and nephew again. But there's always the looming fear of another variant on the horizon. Luckily, my yoga therapy practice has allowed me room and space to deal with the fears and challenges of that threat as well as enjoy and soak in the time I get to spend with others. I've found that it's possible to hold both realities in my heart at the same time and not get overwhelmed.

I hope that when this pandemic is behind us, I'll have built a solid enough foundation to continue living a life I don't want to escape from. To not get pulled back into hustle culture, or running around trying to please everybody. To hold space for myself and my needs while also holding space for others. To not compromise myself. That's my deepest wish, not only for myself but for everyone.